[It may not rise to the genius of the 1997 winner (find that one HERE), but it's all the attention it's getting from me today. Time to finish Fat Tony.]
The wind swept down the mountain—not any particular mountain, though this mountain mattered to the locals because of its high concentration of maple trees that did so much for the local economy which, in general, was in a slump due to the crash in the novelty magic item market, a market that had given jobs to any number of farmers in the winter off-months, but other than that, this mountain was unremarkable to anyone outside a twelve mile radius, unless you’re particularly fond of maple syrup—and the wind brushed past the river—once again, not much of a river, one way or the other, but Billy McGuppins had slipped off the ferry just that morning and dunked himself (and his father’s expensive tobacco pouch) right into the water, though he came out of it all right (alas! the same can’t be said for the tobacco), but do any of us really care about a boy named Billy McGuppins?—and the wind found its way to a city—a city that hereafter would become known as Plague Home, Death’s Gate, the Lower Lip of the Mouth of Hell, but that (before all this) was simply called Twice Town, because if you’d been through twice you’d seen all there was to see, even including the Mayor’s prize chicken, Burp, who had been swallowed whole by a young dragon and come out the other end, three days later, just as happy as she’d gone in (which wasn’t very happy, by all accounts)—and the wind was a beginning—not the beginning, since that actually happened last October about the time that Grace Kudgins opened that Blasted Urn her father had traded for in Far Eastern Brukle’s market for odds and sundries—but it was a beginning.
Bad. Very bad. Except that I like the part about Burp.
ReplyDeleteAnd I kinda liked some of the Bulwer-Lytton winners, like 2004, and not in the laugh out loud way that I liked 1996, 1997, & 1999 winners/losers. Jonathan wants to know what that says about me.
'96, '97, and '99 were probably my three favorites. '99 was so morbidly amusing.
ReplyDeleteAs far as liking the part about Burp, that's the trick with this kind of contest. The sentence has to be horrible and likable, all at the same time. Appealing and clearly bad, the macaroni-and-cheese of sentences.
Unfortunately, this is a really intriguing beginning!
ReplyDeleteYour sentence illustrates Mark Twain's description of humor: indirect, meandering, parenthetical. I personally like the second entry (accidental god) best, but the first is wonderful. It seems to set a rich and interesting scene.
ReplyDeleteYou are totally mocking the Wheel of Time. But really funny. :)
ReplyDelete